CAPTAIN BULLHORN

This school’s proximity to a major entertainment complex landed it a spiffy, fresh coat of paint, leading one to believe that the school was not only a shining example on the outside, but that perhaps the powers that be had bestowed education benefits as befits a model school.

No such luck. As I crossed the school yard to find my assigned fifth grade class I was accosted by a skinny man with a fat bullhorn demanding, not asking, to know where I was going. When I replied, he yelled through his bullhorn that it was Physical Education time. "Hurry up, hurry up." "Is there a coach?" I asked, referring to my more positive experiences in the LA School District. "No, no coaches. Coaches are for Psychomotor - you teach." OK, although I never could figure out the difference between PE and Psychomotor, now I know – I teach PE.

PE time is from 7:45 to 8:15 - It is now 7:50. Children choose a game "Kickball! Handball! No, no, we want kickball!" Bowing to the loudest, kickball it is – pick teams, fight over team captains, toss coin -– team’s up. It’s 8:15! "Time's up! Line up!"

We snake our way to the classroom in a poor attempt at a line and begin what we call morning business. Sit in your assigned seat please, put away your backpacks and take out your homework. This done with a reasonable degree of order, I take attendance. Daily attendance is extremely important as the state moneys to the school are determined by average daily attendance. However this activity can be a veritable mine field as I attempt to pronounce names with extremely creative spelling or others whose origin I can’t even imagine.

"When I call your name please raise your hand so that I will know who you are. And if I do not pronounce your name correctly, only the person whose name it is may correct me." As I proceeded to call the roll and bid each child good morning, the door opened and in stalked the man I now knew to be the assistant principal, bullhorn still clutched tightly under his arm.

"Why are you taking attendance? It is 8:30! YOU ARE FIFTEEN MINUTES BEHIND SCHEDULE!" It happens to be required, but as I looked at him somewhat astonished, he bellowed, "Why are you taking attendance when no one’s absent?" "And how would I know that?" I asked. "You are a bad classroom manager" he shouted, and out he marched.

Now that he had undermined any credibility I might have had with the children, I attempted to get on with the day. Perhaps his classrooms were all on schedule but it became painfully obvious that whatever they had been doing in this classroom on that schedule, they had not been learning. Yes, they were all English Language Learners – but this was fifth grade, most had attended this school since Kindergarten, and their language and math skills were, at best, two to three years behind grade level and of course, as required, reading fifth grade books, which for all they could comprehend, might as well have been written in Greek. But – on schedule.

Less than twenty minutes for recess and where do I find the faculty restroom; always a problem when teaching at a school for the first time, and I headed off to find it. But there he was, Captain Bullhorn in my path, in my face. "You are a very bad manager. Why were you taking attendance?" I took a deep breath in order to keep from telling him what I really wanted to tell him, but I bit my lip and told him that I think it’s important to learn the children’s names, and I smiled. This appeared to infuriate him: "How many names do you know? Do you know five? Do you know ten? How many, how many? Name them. Tell me the names!" he screamed as his face turned a deep purplish red. I looked at him and sweetly replied, "I really have to find the restroom, and I will not be returning tomorrow."